Over and Over again
I am trying to wrap my mind around how someone can first of all continue to let themselves get hurt in a relational aspect, and too how someone could continue to hurt a person that they care so deeply for. I guess making yourself vonerable in relationships means all the good and all the bad. My sweet friend was sad yet again today. I am running low on words of wisdom and words of even encouragement for her towards this reoccuring situation, because I myself am discouraged by knowing that she is sad and hurt. But, because I am separated from this whole situation, minus the minimal aspect of merely being there for my friend, I feel helpless, like I want to do something to make it better and I absolutely can't do that. She is strong in the Lord, one of the strongest I've ever known, she is wise beyond her years and I am so proud of her. Through this whole situation she has constantly been learning about grace and forgiveness and opening up her mind and heart to new possibilities; and she isn't afraid of making mistakes. She has challenged me and my faith in all of this as well. I'm learning that there is no cookie- cutter way that we should handle all of life's circumstances. Sometimes we need to just take a leap of faith and trust that the Lord will catch us, bless us, and restore us if need be.
I have no doubt that she is going to be just fine, I have seen her pull through many times, and I trust that the Lord will help her to do it again. I'm learning that I cannot always be Miss Fix-It, actually I almost never can; and its good for me to get this concept now so that I can begin to rely even more heavily on prayer and truly letting the Lord handle it in His own way and His own time. Third time's a charm, and I am so confident that the Lord's hand is all over this situation and His will is going to be done, whatever that may entail. I adore my sweet friend and want nothing but God's best for her and will continue to be a faithful friend through the good and the bad. That's what friends are for and I know that I will need her to have this same mindset when I get into a situation such as this in years to come, because it can and will happen to me as well at somepoint.
All I Want to Do
School just gets more crazy and overwhelming everyday and it seems like the minute I think I am caught up on projects and tasks to complete, it all begins again. I know that I need to strive to honor the Lord with every area of my life and I know that includes school work and studying. Knowing this, and living it~two very different things. I know why I am here at school and I want to be a lady of dilligence and one who can multi-task and do it well, but honestly most of the time I would rather just drive to a beautiful spot and spend the day reading for fun, listening to music, painting, and drinking coffee. But, since that is not quite a reality for me at this point, I have to find a way to balance things out and prioritize my life a little better so that I don't have overwhelming emotional and mental breakdowns! It's hard to have eternal perspective on a daily basis when life is so very much in full force right now and there are things to be done right now rather we like it or not. I think how fun it would be if I could live this season of my life right now, without the whole school aspect; how much fun that would be, living at college, without college! This summer will be an amazing retreat from all of this business, and I am Longing for that! o I think if I just continue to lean on prayer and take each task one thing at a time, I might actually make it through the rest of this semester!
Whats in a Name?
So it just occured to me that I never really wrote about why I chose to title my blog "Say wont You Say". Say Wont You Say is the title of my favorite Jennifer Knapp song. The Lyrics are as such:
Say won't you say, Say that you love me,
With love ever love, Love everlasting
All my devotion put into motion by you.
Every morning I have a chance to rise and give my all.
But every afternoon I find I have only wasted time in light of Your awe.
Isn't love amazing,
I forgot how to speak
Knowing You are near and I am finally free.
My eyes fear to close this reckless letting go is hard to bear
On the edge of all I need,
Still I cling to what I see and what have I there?
Bred my own disaster who have I to blame?
When all I need is waiting to be fanned to flame.
Yeah, I opened up my eyes to see You standing there,
Oh I can barely breath,
I can hardly bare, all the love I feel for You inside I hope You feel it now.
I just think this song is such a great picture of honesty with the Lord about ourselves and also about our overwhelming Love for Him. It's about our deepest need and desire to be known and loved by the Creator of the universe, and feeling completely unworthy. I feel like the verse that says, "every morning I have the chance to rise and give You my all, but every afternoon I find I have only wasted time in light of Your awe" isn't that so true of many of us on a daily basis?! But, seeing that even though we are going to find ourselves in that state most days, that the Lord's love is not dependent on what we did that day. Finding freedom in the fact that His Love is so consistent is such a beautiful thing I think. So there you have it~The essence of Say Won't You Say
Grace
After having some words tonight with my precious friend, I just thought I would take some time to reflect on some reasons why I love my friend Grace, and why you should too! She always uses her spiritual gifts of service and giving gifts to make people feel special and loved, esspecially on birthdays! She is going to be the best mom and wife ever because she has got the selfless, motherly instincts down to a Tee. She LOVES everything about the 80's and man can she dance to the tunes! She loves all people without judgment, no questions asked. She loves her BIG family (10 kids) SO much! She loves baking and can do it with a moments notice and her cookies and cupcakes always taste of nothing but perfection! She always coordinates her jewelry and outfits SO well! She loves Green and looks amazing in it! She can pull off her hair in curly or straight mode and either way is simply Lovely. Her makeup always looks flawless, especially with her Super fun eye shadows that always match her clothes! =) She is such a great little actress and loves musicals. She has a special love for Joaquin Phoenix, and also for Nerdy boys with glasses, and/or red heads. She has such a sweet and generous spirit and is such a great example of unfading Beauty. She loves the Lord So much and I am so thankful to be blessed with such an amazing lady like her in my life!
Here I go again
So glad to be back in San Marcos. Its weird that a place I had never even been as of 3 years ago can feel so much like home to me now. I had a great time visiting with family and friends at home, and I love Dallas, but I'm ready to get back into the groove of things here. I know thes rest of this semester is going to fly by, and I feel like I still have so much stuff to do for school before its all said and done!
I have been carefully paying attention to what my "Sarah Mclachlan Theory" could be and I noticed a couple of trends in my music listening patterns. Mine is more related to what mood or attitude I am in at that moment, what time of day it is, and where I am, as to what sort of music I crave over and over again during these moments. In driving to and from Dallas and San Marcos I have to play Mark Broussard's Carcencro album and Jamie Cullum's Twentysomething album both all the way through at least once, sometimes more than once. When I am feeling insecure or distraught/ discontent about things I have to play any and every Watermark cd and/or any Shane and Shane. When I am feeling so great about being a girl and just loving life in general I have to listen to Aretha Franklin, Al Green, Whitney Houston, Etta James and Marvin Gaye. When I am in "I want a boyfriend mode" I gotta pop in Caleb Carruth song #5, Bethany Dillon also song #5, anything Michelle Branch or Vanessa Carlton and also Joss Stone. to just think and not sing along , but rather just enjoy the music I gotta have Dave Matthews Band Busted Stuff album.
So basically I don't have one defining artist that I find myself constantly returning to, but as circumstances change that could all continue to change. Though this has little or no significance to my life, I just find it so interesting the impact that music can have in a crucial moment, or in a romantic moment, or in a moment of overwhelming Joy and excitement. I would love to have a soundtrack of my life. In certain moments I when I am alone or in interractions with someone I sometimes think, " If this was a movie or tv show, what song would be playing in the background at that very moment to enhance the emotions even further!?" ~Now that would be an interesting CD, Amanda Morrison~The Soundtrack. hahhaaha
The Sarah Mclachlan Theory
So, I don't know how many of you are fellow lovers of what was in my opinion the best television show to ever hit the WB, and I would venture to say one of the top 3 best television shows ever made,
Felicity. This show, which sadly only lasted 4 seasons, literally had an impact on the way I look at life, relationships, and people in general. The premise of the show was the main character Felicity and her journey starting with her freshman year of college through her senior year, which ironically was my freshman year of high school through my senior year of high school! Amazing, I know! (Also amazing that it only took her 4 years to graduate with no summer school, and changing her major from pre-med to art, but that's another story entirely).
One of my endeavors over spring break was to just allow myself to watch as many of the Felicity DVD's as possible. So, sickly enough I made it through all of seasons 1 &2 in just 2 days/nights; Sick, I know, I actually watched ALL of season 1 in one night. Anyway, so It was funny to watch these episodes now being a junior in college. Because in watching it the first time around, I was trying to live vicariously through Felicity. I wanted so badly to just go away to a school in New York, live so independent and free, as college people got to do, and to have so much drama in my life; Is it Ben, or is it Noel? And now having been through almost 3 full years of college, I discovered that Felicity and I , we had two very different college experiences, with a few exceptions. In rewatching the first art class Felicity took after she dropped Pre-Med and switched her major to Art, I felt like I was looking in a mirror. Art was always something she had looked at as a special hobby for herself, a passion, but one saved just for her eyes only. In watching her go through her first College Art Critique and walking away feeling like a failure, like what was she thinking making herself vonerable enough to display her Art for scrutiny in front of people who were so naturally gifted inthis area; that was my experience exactly. But then in many episodes to follow she began to realize that this was going to take time and work and effort, and yes people were going to think she was crazy, but she was following her passion and loving it.
In one of the last episodes I watched I was left with a thought that I began to ponder in my own life. In the show, Felicity's roomate is telling Ben, who's in love with her, how she knows that Felicity is still in love with Ben. Her answer:
Sarah Mclachlan. She tells Ben how when she first arived to New York in love with him, Sarah Mclachlan's album
Solace never left the cd player, until months later she met someone else and then Sarah was gone. Well when that relationship ended and months later Ben comes into her life again, It was
Fumbling Towards Ecstacy and
Surfacing , two of Sarah's other albums that were switched off 24/7, then eventually when the break up hit, placed back on the shelf. Then at that time when Ben was inquiring about Felicity's feelings, the roomate tells him that Sarah had made a recent comeback in the previous couple of weeks with the newest at that time
Mirrorball album, and therefore her roomate was able to correlate Felicity's feelings for Ben based on the air play in her room of Sarah Mclachlan. Being a fellow lover of music, I was trying to see if I do this in my own life; listen to a certain artist or type of music more so than others on an emotional basis, and for sure the answer would be Yes. I will have to observe this more carefully to see if I can make a distinct correlation, but it's definitely something to think about.
When did Life Happen for all of us?
So spring break in here in Dallas is in full effect, except that the high outside today is 42 degrees, no joke and theres a slight chance of snow tonight..WHAT?! hahahaha so messed up, but anywho... Last night I spent the night and visited with my dear friend Kim. She and her mom Margie and I watched to classic,
Funny Girl starring the lovely Barbara Streisand. I forgot how much I loved that movie!
Kim and I got to chatting last night about how Life had suddenly hit ourlives and the lives of our close friends and there was absolutely nothing we could do to stop any of it and much of it, as of 3 years ago we wouldve never seen coming. For me I feel like life happend at a much earlier age. I am the product of not one but 2 divorces, 3 remarriages, 2 sisters and 3 brothers all Halves, great times financially, and extremely hard times financially, moving about 10 times before I was even 13 years old and that is just my immediate family. Outside those perimeters it gets even crazier. But luckily, all of this craziness went on between the ages of 1 -13 , so much of it I dont really remember, but I only know from what my mom has told me and although Holidays tend to be stressful and my life is nowhere close to being "cookie cutter" I always felt loved and taken care of and my mom did a great job trying to make my childhood as close to normal as possible under all the circumstances. It's never been "easy", but I've been happy and I've grown so much from all of it. When Life sort of hits you at such any early age and when you are the oldest child, I think independence is natural. My parents always allowed me to make my own decisions, they did a great job of guiding me and loving me and teaching me, but allowing room for error and room for mistakes and never demanding perfection has helped me truly learn how to do life on a daily basis. I told kim that it has been so encouraging to me and comforting to me to see my best friends from high school now in college and realizing that they all have issues and problems in their lives as well! Although I would not wish any of the things they are going through on these amazing women....It almost gives me a sense of comfort knowing that they aren't perfect and they dont have it all together and although I saw them and their families in this light, that in reality we are all screwed up! Isnt it great! hahaha It really has brought us closer going through these trials and times of mourning with these ladies and for once I myself am not in the middle of a big one so I can just be there for my friends and assure them that they are going to be ok and that the Lord sees somthing bigger here that we cant see in all of these things.
Kim and I both agreed that we are thankful for our parents always allowing us to be independent and make mistakes and also make good choices on our own as well because it was through that independence that I gained my faith. That is something that has always been my choice, my decision and It was never forced on me or expected of me, and I am thankful for that. It's not going to get easier, this idea of "doing Life". It's only going to get crazier from here on out, but once youve gone through the really hard stuff once, and you watch the Lord bring you out and bring you out of it better than when you entered it..........then next time it comes you will have that same trust and strength that the Lord gave you to get through it. I love my girls so much and it hurts me to see them hurt through these things, and I know that when it hits me again they'll be there for me because thats what friends do!
Hoping that the weather will warm up here some for the rest of my spring break! Missing all of you who are in so many different places! and also Jealous if you are in sunny and warm places!! =) Much Love
Stuck in a Moment
I find myself wishing many times to go back to times in my life where things were so comfortable and the moments where everything seemed to fall perfectly into place and not a care in the world. I can think of maybe a dozen times in my life where I have felt this way with friendships, family, with the Lord, and with relationships; that all of my needs were met in these areas and just thinking that things couldnt possibly get much better. If it were up to me I would hand pick the details of my life, including who I would choose to love and be loved by and who my friends would also choose to love. But, fortunately the Lord is not as ordinary and predictable as I would be in choosing these things. As a control freak, God's timing and choices in regards to relationships sometimes drive me crazy! Learning that things have to change in relationships is equally annoying many times. When I take my mind back to these moments in time where I was the most content it was really all about me and my needs being met, but i'm learning that not everything is about me. In my friendships having to watch them make decisions that I don't necessarily agree with and choices that I fear will hurt them, is extremely hard, but I need to learn that its ok to take risks. Change in my experiences has always proven to have an amazing outcome after an adjustment period. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around new things, I like things how I like them; familiar and comfortable. When something or someone comes in and tries to shake up the things that I have found security and contentment in, I tend to get a little defensive. I have learned over the last few years that change is unavoidable from here on out, and I need to accept it and embrace it. In going back to those moments of Bliss, It reminds me that there will be more of those to come as well, and then change will come again; its a cycle that will follow us for the rest of our lives. For now I am going to enjoy these moments of rest and relaxation approaching with Spring Break this week. Even God took a rest on the 7th day, and so should we take a week to revamp and recharge our minds! Enjoy!
Logan
Gilmore Girls, a show that in my opinion has only gotten better over time, has taught me a lot about relationships. The unconventional Mother/Daughter relationship between Roary and Laurali, is such a pretty picture of how the best friendships can come in unusual packages. I've always loved this part of the show because my mom and I are extremely close, she is definitely more of a motherly figure to me than Laurali is to Roary, but I love that the older I get the more I value a friendship with my mom. But that is certainly not the extent of relationships that this show holds. Roary who is a sweet, simple, but uniquely lovely and charming in her own way, Is ALWAYS managing to get herself into a love triangle(mess) with boys. First it was with Dean and Jess, and then as she got into college it became Dean again along with a heap of other elegible bachelors at Yale. The one to intrigue my interest the most is Logan. Besides the obvious, He's Super cute (but in my opinion too short), From the moment he laid eyes on Roary he challenged her and brought upon this unending Witty Banter and little inside jokes and nick-names for her; Not to mention that he is loaded, and dresses very well, quite different from Dean. But after last nights episode, my love for Logan is slowly beginning to fade. I was unaware of the little deal they had going between them where they are going to be "Friends with Benefits" and see other people as well. This is no good on So many levels, and esspecially for a girl like Roary, She was made for a serious relationship, none of this dating around stuff. Also, he made it very clear to her that he was allowed to date other people, when the one time she chooses to do it its suddenly not ok with him?! Whats that about?! He wants to have his cake and eat it too and a girl like Roary is better than that.
So the question is, should she make a commitment to Logan now, even though he chose not to go hard after her and pursue her with everything in him, and it took him being Jealous to make him realize how much he actually cared about her, rather than just putting his pride aside and laying his feelings and heart on the line because she is worth the risk?! Although the strong physical attraction will win out in this decision, because when we are so infactuated by that, its hard to think straight and make wise decisions, she will eventually realize that Logan is not "the One". Shes felt first hand the joy of being pursued, Dean did a good job of that when they first met; and once you have seen what that looks like it will be hard to settle for a guy who basically only wanted her becuase he couldnt have her, as if he was trying to prove something. We'll see how Logan does over the next few weeks, but it will sure take a lot for him to redeem himself and prove himself worthy of Roary. Where would we be without these valuable life lessons in relationships from
Gilmore Girls.
A Hail Storm of a Day
Can I just say that I am completely baffled by Texas Weather! I've lived here my whole life and I still don't understand how it can literally change in the blink of an eye. Today, in a matter of no more than ten minutes it managed to go from cloudy and humid, to lightning/thundering and dark, to a golf ball sized hail storm that lasted about 2 minutes, slowly turning to Rain, and within minutes the sky was a crystal blue and the sun was shining bright as ever. I think this sort of weather pattern can much be related to girls emotions......go with me here.
The rollercoaster of inconsistency and uncertainty is how we as girls tend to be with our emotions. If you catch us on a high moment, untainted by outside sources of disappointment or bewillderment; we will more than likely be in high spirits and suceptable to perfectly normal social interactions with members of the opposite sex. On the other hand, it can only take moments for those positive interactions to turn into a "hail storm", if you will. One word, or look taken and completely blown out of proportion and over-analyzed to death, and down goes the sun and bring on the storm. However, with the right amount of redemption in the form of flattery, charm, or perhaps in witty banter ( or for some of us in the form of a ballad played on piano, followed by a lipsinging and dancing to Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" and anything Chocolate of course) and say hello to sunny skies once again. But know that we as women do have the right to fluctuate our emotions on a moment to moment basis, the Lord made us this way and it is one of the specific and unique differences between us and men. There's line in
Sweet Home Alabama that Jake says,
" I can't control her anymore than I can control the Weather." So true.
Legacy
" I wanna leave a Legacy, how will they remember me?....Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I wanna leave an offering; a child of Mercy and Grace who Blessed Your name, I wanna leave a Legacy."~Nicole NordemanThis song is what came to mind as I sat through what ended up being one of the most special events I have ever attended, the funeral/Celebration of the life of Tommy Hooper. Seeing Kim when I first got into town on Friday I had a firsthand glimpse of one of the most amazing women I've ever known. My friend was completely at peace, I saw a calmness and overwhelming presence, of what could only have been the Lord shining through her. I walked in her house and had tears welling up in my eyes before I even opened the door, and even though I told myself over and over again in the car that I wasn't going to cry in front of her, that this was not about me, this was about her and her loss and I needed to be strong for my friend. Well of course the moment I saw kim and began trying to speak I just lost it, and Kim was comforting me, telling me that it was ok and everything is going to be alright!!! Katie and Abby and I spent the majority of the weekend just being with our sweet friend Kim. It was so good to see all of the people from high school and people we've known our whole lives come to the viewing and the funeral and showing their love and support for Tommy and his family.
It was hard to watch Kims family go through this, but I can already see the workings of great and mighty things coming from Tommy's death. Her brothers and her mom are getting a new perspective of Faith. Kim spoke at the funeral, and she brought it! She shared memories and stories about her dad, and then proceeded to share the Gospel with the hundreds of people that were there. I was so proud of her. She was completely holding it together while Katie and Abby and I sat there balling and holding each others hands through all of it. I felt closer to the Lord after leaving the church that day and it truly was a celebration of an amazing Legacy left by a man who lived to Love, and Loved his family and the Lord so much. It was a beautiful time and I was blessed to have spent it with people I love. Kim will need us more in the next few weeks and months to come than she did just this weekend. This will be a process that she will probably deal with for the rest of her life, but watching her be filled with the Lord and completely and utterly giving every bit of this to Him, lets me know that she and her family will be ok, and Tommy wouldnt have had it any other way.
Mr. Hooper is Home
Katie called me today to confirm that Mr. Tommy Jack Hooper has gone on to his eternal home where there is no more sickness, or hurt, and He can reside with Jesus in the Heavenly relams where I eagerly anticipate being one day. I had an overwhelming saddness off and on throughout the day and as I thought about kim and her brothers and Margie her mom.......I am going home on Friday for the funeral and such this weekend. I am eager to see Kim, I will literally have no words to offer her, but thats ok, because its probably better that I just show her how much I love her and care for her by being silent and just being there. Talk about Eternal Perspective, Sad that it takes somthing like this to force us to see things so clearly and to remind us of the importance of family and friendships and not taking these things for granted each day. I am excited to see Kim and hopefully spend some time with her on friday night before the funeral on Saturday. Katie and Abby and many others will be home as well and I think although it is a bitter-sweet renunion, Hopefully kim and her family will feel comforted and encouraged first by the Lord, and second by all of us being there to show how much we love them and loved Tommy! I need this drive to and from home to be covered in prayer, I am the epitamy of emotional and I am nervous about making the drive alone under all the emotions. Pray also for kimmy and her family, Abby's mom tells me that her brother Todd is not handling it well at all, which is exactly what I expected; but that Margie her mom is able to go from laughing to crying very quickly. I will be very glad to see them all. Although the Hooper house will forever seem different with no Tommy. I will forever remember Sunday Night Dinner's at the Hooper house throughout high school, Going to visit him at the bank with Kim, the first time kim and I rode in his big truck as he willingly took us where ever we wanted to go since we were 13 and did not have cars, the money and incredibly sweet note he sent me my freshman yr. here to help me go to New York for Spring Break with CRU, He and Kim coming to my house when she got her first car and taking me for a spin in the Green Camaro, Tommy at the Lakehouse, and just walking in the door at the Hooper House and hearing , "Hey there girls!" as we would walk in from whatever the evening has held for us that night and he would inquire about it and always seem so interested even though we knew he wasn't. He was a wonderful man and I am blessed to have known him.
Finding myself at a Loss for Words
Last night I got some news that will forever change the life of one of my best friends. Kim Hooper and I have been friends since 6th grade, we were twelve and loving every minute of it. We remain great friends through high school and she and Abby and Katie and I have done our best to keep up with each others lives through college, although it is much more difficult being that we are all at different colleges. Kim is amazing, although she was the first one who introduced me to alcohol, ( in 7th grade we snuck into my kitchen together and she made me drink some of a wine cooler and we filled it back up with water to avoid getting into trouble, to this day my mom has never said a word about it; it has been mine and Kim's long running joke over the years), But She is also the first friend I had growing up who truly got what it meant to love the Lord with all your heart. She began as we were middle schoolers to teach me so much about striving for Righteousness and Purity; although we both had ups and downs in these areas it was honestly seeing her Love the Lord that made me want to Love the Lord.
So the news I recieved from Katie last night was that Kim's dad Tommy Hooper, who is equally as amazing as Kim, he's been sick battling cancer for the last couple of years but it wasnt until recently that it became a reality that he was teeter-tottering life and death on a moment to moment basis. Katie was with Kim at the hospital in Dallas two nights ago and said that seeing how bad it is for herself made it more of a reality that he is only days away from death. Basically that will be having to make a decision within the next couple of days to let him go now, or the decision will be made for them and this whole trama will just get more and more painful each day that they wait. There is no more physical chance for a miracle, only the trust and hope that her Dad will soon be with the Lord and restored to a cancer-free Tommy for Eternity with Jesus. Kim is being so strong through all of this. I truly believe now that the Lord will not give you more than you can handle, and I am amazed at what this girl can handle. I just kept thinking in my bed last night about what thoughts must be running through her head, what thoughts would be running through my head in losing a parent at the age of 21. After I talked to Katie last night I called my mom to tell her the news and even more so to tell her that I love her. I never want to take my parents for granted because you just never know. Three years ago none of us ever wouldve thought that this could be a reality for kim and her family. I will more than likely be headed home to Dallas this weekend for the funeral of one of the most kind-hearted, generous, and genuine men I've ever known. It will be heart wrenching, but Kim needs us there with her, thats what friends do.
