A Waste of Time, or an Excuse to Bond with Girls!?
I am at a loss for words on how incredibly disappointed I am with the Season Finale of the Bachelorette. For the past 6 weeks I have dedicated an hour or more of my life, on monday nights to following this long journey of Jen Scheft( aka She-Devil) and her search for "love". She was given 25 men, only a handful of which who were "quality guys", who are better off without her if you ask me! Each week it was narrowed down, many hearts broken and egos crushed along the way, all for the cause of Jen finding her one true love. HA! SO as she slowly for the last 3 weeks began to disappoint me dropping the guys, I favored, like flies My interest in her finding "true love" as pretty much dimenishing more and more each week. By tonights point, the best thing I could see happening for her is maybe having a short term relationship with a wealthy, self succient man, who can dress very well, but talks a little funny, and has a great body, but was not all that attractive overall. Not high hopes for miss Jen at this point. Little did I know one woman could be so Stupid on SO many levels, I just didnt think it was possible!
She basically ended this show choosing a guy, but not accepting a proposal until months later. Well, when finally the time came for the proposal yet once again, (this makes 3 propsals to her on tv in the last 2 years) She opps to tell him they are just friends and ultimately walks away from this show with No boyfriend, fiance', Husband, and I seriously doubt any of those men would want to be her friend even at this point! I honestly feel like I wasted the last 6 weeks, with the exception of having this special time each week to bond with girls who share my fascination with the awefullness that is, reality t.v.! I wasnt a huge Jen fan from the beginning, so I feel like I have neither lost nor gained from the show as a whole. I retract that I thoroughly enjoyed seeing a few of the men each week, Ryan, Ben, and the fact that they actually put 2 guys who were virgins on there this season definitely made things interesting. I have no regrets, and I can say in all honesty that I will still be a fan of the show as it approaches its next victims on the next season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette, I own the obsession and have come to grips with it!
You got the Wrong Girl
Birthdays and Barbeque, both great reasons for people to get together! I had a lot of fun hanging with people last night, many old friends and a few new. An angel of mercy took over my babysitting duties for the evening so that I was able to be sociable, which I desperately needed. I knew the evening had to have been going to well and that it was just a short matter of time before something would be said or done to bring it down. A couple of things, one, my own grudge holding, and bad attitude towards someone who hurt someone who I care about a lot and me having to act like nothing is wrong in order to keep peace, I did a good job of, and I am learning that I can't fix everything; some things just have to work themselves out and need time. Next, having some hurt pride and feelings towards someone who I wasnt expecting to see, but did. It's amazing how well I do when the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing is working; but once in sight, slowly starts coming back to mind. It ended up being fine, God has changed my heart a whole lot on that matter, but hey I am still a girl! And finally, but certainly not to be given less credit for putting a damper on my night than it deserves......there is this tricky spot that had arisen in my life over the month or so that I am having trouble dealing with. Let's just say I am not used to number 1, dealing with socially awkward people on a personal level and on an almost daily basis; number 2, attempting friendship with a boy and having them i guess misread those intentions for somthing else?
Last night was the icing on the cake. Who I thought was a shy, hardly speaks a word, but sure does give a lot of looks guy turned into Mr. Talks Alot last night and decided to inform me of feelings and thoughts towards me, in front of other people mind you, Completely embarrassing and awkward. I am horrible at dealing with stuff like that. Although I am aware that I am not the first girl to be dealt with in the manner from him, I sure hope I am the last and that no longer will he choose to act this way towards other inocent girls, merely trying to attempt friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I guess I really just dont understand. I mean for me a fondness or attraction has to be developed over time of talking with the person and finding out all about them, but in this case neither of those things has happend, which lets me know that this cant last too much longer because its not even legit. Oh Geez.... Well, All together though the evening was a success and lots of fun!
Still
There is an overwhelming sensation that comes over me when a moment comes that I am able to truly be still. There are times when I am not mobile, but my mind and heart are far from being still, but i've found it takes a very intricate, concious effort to truly, be still and know that He is God. Last night I got a chance to catch up on life and cleaning and then after much anticipation I was actually able to just curl up in my bed, in my Pj's and watch a movie of choice and not think about checking things off the to do list, or work on stuff for school, those things are going to have to happen but at that moment I was able to let out a Big sigh of relief at the fact that I was just having some "me time" and being still for several moments in fact. I go back and forth on whether I get more energized by being around people or by being alone. I think it boils down to whatever state I am most encouraged and at peace with the Lord in, which can come from both at different times in my life. "Still, let me be still, let me be ok with the quiet in my heart. Still I've learned to be still, I'm so quick to move instead of listening to You."~Watermark
Serendipatiousness
The idea of Serendipity, Fortunate Accidents, is kind of fun think about this as we go about our days. Although I know that there is no such thing as serendipity, because I believe in God and that everything happens for a reason, and not just any reason, but because the Lord has a plan for my life that I am walking everyday in the Spirit in hopes of figuring it all out as a I go along. But also, in my life I have found the idea of Serendipity to equal Fortunate and also, Unfortunate Accidents. Most days at least once a day I find myself in an unexpected, humorous stituation. For instance finding myself in an unlikely, unexpected place and running into person X who has been avoided at all costs. Or seeing person B, who I havent seen in an extrordinary amount of time and finding myself at a loss of what to say. Or, being in the right place at the right time and NOT seeing Person A, who should have been an inevitable occurence. All I can do in these situations, and I do, is stare up to the Big Man upstairs and have a little chuckle and marvel at the Lord's impecable sense of humor. It would be advantageous for me in these situations to just roll with them, but because I am a girl I begin to question them. I want to know why. Why when things were going along so well did I have to see them? Why when it was perfect timing in my mind did I NOT see them?
The reality is that with the Lord there are no accidents fortunate or unfortunate, and it's not our job to question why God does what He does and how and when He does or doesnt do something. When we reliquish control of our lives, we can't help but find ourselves in a state of worry,curiosity, concern and analyzation of how these things have played out in our lives, and we had absolutely nothing to do with it either way. In a way its incredibly freeing, but on the other hand it's really scary, but So worth it.
Rollercoaster
I, like most girls, feel like I am a rollercoaster of emotions. When I'm up, I'm way up and when I'm down it seems to be a snowball effect leading to hitting rock bottom. I must say that the ups far out number and out weigh the downs. This week has had its share of both of these emotions. Until Spring Break comes I'm afraid that my weeks will continue to be this way. School is just crazy right now and I am not the best at time management and multitasking. I haven't seen my family in a long time, I haven't had good quality friend time with some of people that I thrive for that with, I don't have time to do things right now that "stir my Hearts affection" unless they are things for classes, in which case I can't see them for anything more than another task to accomplish and check off my list. I don't like myself very much when I get like this. I am going home this weekend to do a disciple now to hangout with and teach a group of eighth grade girls a little more about God and who He is and that He is good. I honestly think that I will get just as much, if not more out of this weekend than the girls will. I am praying that this weekend He will restore my soul, give me back an overwhelming Joy, and be able to use me in the midst of the craziness of my life right now. It will be good to just get away for the weekend and attempt to just reconnect with the Lord and not dwell on getting things checked off my to do list. I am going to attempt stillness and get off the rollercoaster at least for a few days.
" Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to your God to order and provide. In every change He faithful will remain, Be still my soul!"~Ginny Owens
CALIFORNIA here I come!
SO it's official, I got the call today confirming that I will be spending June 13 - August 20th in Newport Beach, California for Summer Project. Although San Diego was my first choice, this one being my second choice, I could not be more thrilled! It's funny how the Lord has this way of taking control of those sorts of things. I honestly had no real concrete basis for my choice and the order in which they were chosen. I know very little about this project, but my phone call this afternoon from the director made me very excited. It made this whole summer project thing so much more real for me. Before it was merely an application I completed months ago, a thought that I had potential plans for the summer, but now it is sustained, and now the real preparation begins. The second thought to pop into my mind when I got off the phone was now how am I going to get 2,700 dollars to go to this thing?! ( the first being WOW!) Although I know the money raising will become a constant thought in the back of my mind, right now I am a little giddy at the thought of spending my entire summer in one of the most beautiful beaches in the US.
What God can do with me there is so obtuse I can't even begin to fathom. The dates of this project are a little different than the one I was expecting to get, so now I can also go to Gulf Shores Alabama at the beginning of June and be a counselor at High School Camp for my church back home, which I've done every summer and was a bit sad to miss out on the exciting week of camp, and now I can do both! I should also be able to go to Chicago now and watch my little brother graduate high school, which had I gotten my first choice wouldn't have been able to work out dates wise. God is too cool! I love it when He shows me in all these miniscule ways that He is the one who is in control here, and when I let him be, then and only then am I able to see His will SO clearly! Props to the big man upstairs!
Now I just have to figure out how I am going to make it through the rest of this spring semester when I know all I will be thinking about is CALIFORNIA! For now I will just sing my theme song, also the theme song for
THE O.C.
~"California here we come, right back where we started from, CALIFORNIA! CALIFORNIA! Here WE COOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!"
SAD~Singles Awarness Day: Can you handle this?!
I know its crazy, but although I have not had a "Valentine" in quite a few years, twenty-one to be exact =), I think for me Valentines day just gets better and better every year. Maybe it's that i'm just getting older and used to this being the way it is, and time has been the cure for this. Maybe I am content in my singleness and choose to embrace this season of my life with full force and take it all in with fellow single ladies who are all equally amazing =), maybe i'm humble, hahhaha. But no, I think that the real key for me in this has been figuring out more and more over the years about loving people. The more I learn to love the Lord and let the Lord love me, the more I am eager to share that love with others and just love other people. Although I can honestly say I've never been in love, I have experienced first hand, over and over again, everyday the miraculous, phenominal, overwhelming love of Christ. He is teaching me what love is really, and what it should look like and how He did it, and continues to do it. I think this is essential stuff to learn for myself before I could ever even attempt to fully love and be loved by another person.
I had a great day from start to finish. Although Valentines day is such a halmark, cheesy holiday, I think the concept is great, just celebrating love. It is a gift that we choose to give and choose to accept and we should give it the observation and consideration it deserves. I'm thankful for Christ's love, and I love being able to celebrate this day with wonderful people who are able to grasp this concept as I am, or as I try to, I don't fully grasp it, but I hope to! SO, happy celebrating love day to you and yours. Let's not just make this an annual thing shall we!?
The Notebook: The essential girl movie of the 21st Century
I recently made a purchase that will forever change change my life. I don't know what it is about this movie that can stir up all sorts of feelings and emotions that I didn't even realize I had in me. Nicholas Sparks creatively crafted a beautiful picture of Eternal Love. It's not like there are not other movies out there that cause my tear ducts to react in such a way as this one does, but there is something very personable and real about this one that takes me in as one of the characters each time I watch it. The relationship between Noah and Allie is instantaneously electric. There is a line Noah says to her at a very crucial part of the film, he says " thats what we do we fight......it's not going to be easy, it's goin to be hard and we are gonna have to work on this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you, all of you, forever." ahhhhhh so great! I am a sucker for Romance, but not just the cinderella finding her prince charming romance, I love how Allie and Noah were an unlikely couple, from completely different backgrounds, they didnt agree on much except that they were crazy about each other, but there love was real and never dull and it was a love to last a life-time. I also love the thought of growing old and still being as much in love as you were the day you met, which this movie also gives insight to. I will never get sick of this movie, it will forever hold a special place in my heart.
Battle of the Sexes
I discovered tonight that there is no winning or losing when it comes to trying to "figure out" the opposite sex. The verdict will almost always be the same; Girls will always think guys are hard to figure out and weird, and guys will always think that girls are complicated and too sensitive. However, I have found to be true in my own experiences that guys actually usually say exactly what they mean, and we as girls don't understand this concept because we like to make everything complicated. Of course I think when you get into a relationship, you see the bright side of these things play out and you realize that we are made completely different in these ways so that we are able to help each other better understand the world and people in it just a little bit better. This is why it is usually said that opposites attract. If you are the social butterfly, you will probably be drawn to the guy who is there, but kinda works behind the scenes, and sits back and kinda just takes everything in, while you are out in the middle of everything living it up. What it all boils down to is guys need girls and girls need guys, and if there is a battle I think it is clearly due to frustration, bitterness, and loneliness, on both parts.
Tonight I also felt like a little piece of my heart was restored, just by a simple honest conversation between two friends who are very unlikely perhaps from an outsiders view, but in my mind, sometimes I don't even remember a time before we were friends. We've made it a point to be brutally honest with each other, it make take a little while but eventually everything comes out, even things she probably wishes I wouldnt have told her sometimes! In all honesty I've probably been in more fights/arguments with her then any other friend I've ever had, and I think much of that due to honesty. In past friendships I think I have let things build up and build up inside because I was afraid to tell them what I really thought and felt about things in my life, their life, and relationships, etc. I avoid confrontation at all costs, but I feel like I trust her so much more because of our honesty, and although we see things very differently sometimes,have the exact opposite taste in music, movies, and clothing most of the time, I feel like she knows me so well and I know her, and we don't have a cookie cutter perfect friendship by anymeans, but we've got honesty and trust and loyalty and each time we throw all of our feelings, thoughts and emotions out on the table to each other and talk about things and how we are going to attempt to make them better, we grow as friends. She is going through things that I admittedly do not understand fully, but I know her and her heart and I am trying my hardest to just be the best friend I can, the same friend I was 6 months ago and a year ago. Because although circumstances around us change that doesnt take a toll on our friendship each time, it's merely new things that we get to experience and grow through together. I know she will be there for me when I go through situations such as these, which it may be quite a while, but she will be nearly an expert by then and it will be Golden!
As for her current situation, I am still trying to get adjusted, but I am hopeful that everything will be just fine. Just because she doesnt always do things in the way I would and with the people I would choose, doesnt mean that she is wrong by anymeans. She is actually very happy, which in turn makes me happy for her. I think its natural to be concerned for your friend, and at the same time to have some feelings of jealousy and speculation in times such as these. But, I'm working on it, and not just "dealing with it", but wanting to go beyond that and see what she sees and like it for what it is, and not just because I am supposed to. Time and patience is what's going to need to happen. Just to clear up any miscommunication of feelings on my part, to whom it may concern! =)
I'm Alright!
I read a rather disturbing article in our school newspaper today, that made anyone who doesn't have a date for Valentines seem like a completely pathetic loser, and I find little truth to this! It's inevitable that every year when this time of year comes around it tends to stir up the emotions in us as "singles, girls more specifically". This time of year always proves to be "hook up" season, and how convienient that it is so close to the year's most romantical holiday; your favorite and mine, Singles Awarness Day, aka Valentines. I can't help but thinking how awkward it must be to start up a sort of relationship and in its beginning stages you already are forced to be extra romantic. It seems that it would move things along just a little too quickly if handled in the wrong way, and then from that point on there would be all of this pressure to define "what are we?" and then before the DTR has even begun you realize Valentines day is over, as is your newly, not so developed relationship. This senario just has disaster written all over it! In essence, if a proposition came my way for something with any sort of potential and it just happend to occur within the realm of 2-3 weeks before Valentines, I would have to simply pass on it and request and extention to anytime post February 14th. So in reguards to my thoughts/feelings about this day that fortunately is quickly approaching, which means that it will soon have passed; I'm Alright with not having a "Valentine". There will be no sulking about it, no consoling my emotions with Ben and Jerry's, no sappy movie watching wishing for what could have been. It's just another day, but the meaning behind the day is great. We should always share love with the people in our lives, and show them how much we care for them everyday, not just on February 14th. There are no hard feelings from this single lady. I am however extremely excited for the wonderful girlfriends of mine who are going to share this day with someone new and special to them, and don't mean to belittle this day and the sweet gifts that they will receive, or the romatic evenings their significant others may have planned for them. I love that I get to rejoice in these sweet times with them.
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Today was definitely a brand new day. I completely rejoiced in today in almost everyway. I read this morning in a study of Romans that I am currently doing, about Radical Grace. There was a verse in there that I've heard so many times before but it really gripped my heart. It was
Romans 5: 20 " But where sin increased, Grace increased all the more." I don't really know why, but that verse took on a whole new meaning for me today. It brought some things to the surface that I have been trying to deal with for the past few months in my own way, and now I see that I don't have to deal with it at all, the dealing has been done and had absoluetly nothing to do with me. This verse also showed me not to be so hard on myself. Knowing that it is a guarantee that we are going to sin, screw up, and struggle with the same things over and over again seems much easier to handle knowing that each time the Lord isn't saying "Stupid girl you did it again!", but instead, He is simply waiting with open arms to extend even MORE grace to us each time we fall into the same sin! How amazing is that!
Anyway, I just felt the Lord slowly restoring my soul today in each encounter; from the brisk cool wind blowing into my face, to the 5 shades of blue sunset that I felt as though I was literally walking into as I walked to my car this evening, to the almost thirty minute chuckle I had this afternoon, although it was at someone else's expense, that unceasing laughter was way over due! It just seemed that I felt blessed by every moment today, and then I realized that I am constantly being blessed day after day, its just that today I chose to acknowledge these things as blessings. Although I have been feeling sick, and not getting enough sleep, and I am in for a crazy weekend coming up, I've never felt so blessed. I am hopeful for more days of choosing to live in the blessings and grace and not feeling so caught up in the other.
Washing my Hands Clean of This
Has there ever been someone that you really didn't want to like, would love to hate in fact, but there is just no way that was gonna happen? I found myself in this predicament tonight. Why do I insist on letting jealousy and pride get in the way of kindness and making a new friend. While I know these are not the things that I am made of, or the way that the Lord would have me be in a situation like that, they still seem to get the best of my emotions and heart at that moment. I don't feel like I outwardly expressed these things, but that's almost worse I think; the fact that I was so genuinely nice to this person and on the inside was trying to dig up mean, hateful feelings just for the sake of apeasing my stupid pride. I suppose this is normal, but that definitely doesn't make it right and I am so frustrated with myself. All I know to do is lean on the things I know to be true right now. God is Good. He is very much in control. He loves me and wants His very best for me in all areas of my life. He will never leave or forsake me. He is faithful to His children who love Him and call on Him.
I have decided to take the high road on this one, or at least attempt to with the Lord holding my hand. I am washing my hands clean of this to prevent falling into more sin and more hurt feelings. I'm praying that the Lord would take me back to a place where I was So close to Him. A couple of times come to mind; but not that I would backtrack, instead take these last few months, see what the Lord has been teaching me through all of this and what I am supposed to walk away with. How has He grown me and molded me through all of this? I'm taking all of this to the Cross and leaving it there once and for all. Already feeling better and hopeful of tomorrow for new blessings and a new day.
I wish I were the Rain
What is it about the weather having such an effect on our over all perception of the day? We let it determine our attitude and mood so many times. Although I think my forecast detector is off sometimes b/c I tend to be opposite in what one would think is normal. aka: its Sunny= you are happy....It's rainy and cold and dark= you are depressed and sad. I think the Rain quite nice in many circumstances. There are so many songs about Rain that are appreciative of it and all of its goodness. For example: "
I wish I were the Rain, because it can fall as hard as it wants to......cry for hours and weeks on end and never feel a bit out of place."~SheDaisy
Also, "Rain down your love upon me, pour out Your mercies on me, please wont you take me to your Springs of Life"~Ginny Owens
ok this one is not so much about the Rain, but Its referring to the Lord who gives us the Rain so freely and also His love......let's see whats another one, Oh yes....."
I'm singing in the Rain, just singing in the Rain, what a Glorious feeling I'm Happy Again!"~Jaime Cullum/Frank Sinatra versions both equally good
A new one that I recently discovered by Patty Griffin, Corrie introduced me to her and she's phenominal,
"Strange how hard it rains now, rows and rows of big dark clouds, but i'm holding on underneath this shrowd, Raaaaaaaaaaaain."
While all of these songs are great Rain songs, the song that I am choosing to sing, in my head of course, is one by the great early 90's pop duo Milli-Vanilli that goes somthing like this,
"Blame it on the Rain, YEAH YEAH, Blame it on the stars that shine above, whatever you do , dont put the blame on you, Blame it on the Rain YEAH YEAH!"
This Mystery
"
And life becomes the round and round, revolving door that wont slow down.....Do You wish , do You want to us to breath again, say goodbye to the lines that we've colored in....Do You cry, do You hope for all things made new.....That we might be the hands and feet of This Mystery."~Nichole Nordeman
I am completely humbled tonight as I read the sweet sincere words of one of the most amazing women I've ever known and for her unceasing faith in our Lord and in His miracles. Kim just cries and pleads with the Lord on behalf of her father who's life is dangling in the Lords hands as we speak due to his battle with cancer. It baffles how the Lord allows certain people to have specific trials and struggles. Although we know and trust that He won't give us more than we can handle.....Sometimes I just feel like saying "Ok God, enough is enough!" But I know for a fact that Kim is handling this in the best way possible, just daily; moment by moment continuing to Pray, seek God's will in this, Cry out to him her hurts and fears and also Praising Him for His Goodness in the midst of chaos. She is a Rock.
It's perfectly normal for us to not quite get This Mystery that is our Lord and how He works often times. We will never be able to fully grasp and fully understand until the day we meet our Maker. Even then, I'm pretty sure I won't question Him or His ways, But simply stand in Awe. There are so many mysteries that we face on a daily basis. We want to solve them.....find clues and analyze the evidence we have to back up what we think about things. But when we are real with ourselves, the only thing we really know is what we know and trust to be true of the Lord and of His word. I have found that He is not a God of confusion, but of clarity. In the midst of a confusion time, when I begin to pray for clarity I always get it...maybe not in my time, or in the way I would like, but He is faithful to grant me that.
Reading Kim's blogs about her dad bring a lot of clarity to my life; mostly that Life is short and precious and He gives and He takes away and we just never know when either of those things will and can happen for us. Also, that my petty little problems or issues that I think I am facing everyday or stuggling with, Completely take a back seat, and some even disappear the moment I see Kim dealing with this in the most amazing, faithful, and optimistic way. I love this girl and am truly blessed to have known her since we were twelve. I miss her and wish I could be with her through this time...I am on my knees for her and her family and am so hopeful for what the Lord can do!
What a Difference A Day Made
"What a difference a Day made, twenty-four little hours, brought the sun and the flowers where there used to be rain...My yesterday was blue dear, Today I'm a part of Your dear my lonely nights are through dear since you said you were mine, What a Difference a day made, there's a rainbow before me.......and the Difference is You!"~Jaime Cullum
Wow I know the Lord answers prayers, but sometimes He blows me away with the swiftness and urgency in answering them sometimes. I woke up this morning in quite a mood, thinking that today was not going to be much better than yesterday in certain aspects. Frankly, the Lord surprised me with exactly the opposite. Everything I said to myself yesterday, trying to convince myself of its truth; I honestly found to be true today. The Clarity that I had arrived at became that much more clear today and I am so excited on one hand, on the other I am a little uncomfortable. Where I was, was such a state of comfort that I let myself just sit in for SO long<>. And so I sort of dont know what to do with myself now. It's a great feeling and very freeing in a sense.
Through all of this the Lord is bringing things to my attention that I will forever be greatful of. One, the fact that I am not willing to compromise certain things. The Lord gives us desires for a reason and many of them specifically geared to each person individually. Although some of these things that I know I want in a future someone, may seem cheesy, or unimportant...but to me they are everything! When it comes to love and relationships I do not proclaim to be an expert by anymeans, but I know what I feel. I know what things turn me on and off.....what things stir my hearts affections and what rob them, I know the ways that I want to be treated, and the ways in which I recieve love. These are all things beyond simply having a good heart and loving the Lord, which are also a must.....but I need more! I'm so thankful for this revelation b/c it makes waiting for that so much more exciting. To think that there awaits a person out there who posseses these core qualities, plus all of the the traits that will perfectly compliment and combine with mine for completeness, oneness, and unending Bliss.....that is truly something worth waiting for. All this in twenty-four hours, its amazing!
Leading with my Heart Again
Leading with my heart again, I don't know if I'll lose or win, but I'm leading with my heart again...Putting my mind on hold, I could be risking my very soul, but I'm putting my mind on hold."~Alice Peacock
I really don't understand why I continue to do this to myself. I feel like God has shown me time and time again something and I just choose to filter what I want to here Him saying to me rather than what is actually being shown to me So clearly.........So for me, The Lord has to literally throw it in my face and make it hit me where it hurts for me to get it. Not to say that the Lord wants me to hurt, but I think He tries the subtle signals, gentle whispers approach and it takes something more like Intense Shouting for me to actually get it through my head. I'm sick of it and I am done though. As hard as it is for me to separate my head and my heart, Now is the time to learn because I know that it will only get harder from here on out. Although I feel as though I just receive a very rude awakening, it's hilarious to me that its not the first time. I am feeling repeats of the awfulness that I allowed myself to feel the first time this happened and swearing that I wouldn't let myself feel this way again. But I guess that just goes to show a couple of things, one: I have very little self control when it comes to my emotions and when I get my mind set on something I take it seriously and let it get way out of proportion. And Two: I am hard-headed and refuse to see something for what it is.
I feel like the Lord just sits up there shaking his head at me saying" you silly girl, I tried to tell you, You'll just never learn will you" ~~However, I know that it is the opposite, I know that He doesn't want me to hurt and be disappointed and that He ultimately wants me to have His very best and my deepest desires and longings of my heart and soul to be fulfilled; just not in my way. I am actually very thankful for this long awaited clarity, because now I can just place all of those feelings into areas of my life of much more worth and get things in my mind and heart " back to normal", whatever that means. One thing that I know the Lord has blessed me with are the elements of Hope and Faith, and I have so much of it in regards to the fact that the Lord is control and I believe that He will do what He says He can do and that He won't leave me in this temporary state of bewilderment, but He will continue to make me strong in Him and all I can think to say right now honestly is, "Ok, so what's next, What now?" And maybe not today, but very soon I know He will show me and I'll be just fine. Knowing all of that, I think I still need to take today for what it is and let myself feel what I feel and not beat myself up for that. In the mean time
~~~~"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart!"~Psalm 27:14
Let's Hear it for the Girls!
Where would I be without Girls in my life. I am seriously so blessed with so many amazing women in my life. I feel I am not only prone to, but partial to having girls nights. The dynamic between women is so amazing. Coversation is never dull, a variety of topics is covered, and laughter is a must. Sometimes I just look at some of these ladies I know in complete awe. They are so smart....so beautiful.....they have amazing hearts and stories behind them that are the essence of who they are, and who they are striving to become. Not a one of us is the same. Yes we tend to run with those who have similar interests as us. Also we as women tend to be drawn to some of the same activities and struggle with many of the same things; Guys. But each one of us is so unique; a genuine treasure intended to be loved, adored, and appreciated for the wonderful way that the Lord has crafted us to be. There are so many things that I can do and say with my girlfriends that guy friends just simply wouldnt understand. I dont know what I would do without each individual girl in my life to play their roles for me. You have the "soulmate in girl form", who even though you tend to be opposite in many ways appreciates those differences and is able to show you things in different ways as well. I'm thankful for her. You have the Truth in Love friend, who brings truth in to your life when you need it most, she is always honest and upfront about things and holds nothing back. I am thankful for her. There is the Friend full of Joy. This is the friend you can go to and expect to come away feeling refreshed; she is a breath of fresh air and is always good for a laugh when you need it most. I am thankful for her. There is the Girliest of the girls friend who is always great for great meaningful convo over shopping or coffee or drinks or dinner and a movie. I don't get to see her that much, but when I do I am thankful for her. Then there is the faithful friend. It feels as though she has always been there and will always be there. Youve seen each other through the ups and downs of life, grown together spiritually, know that no matter what she would be there for you on a phone calls notice. I am So thankful for her.
I pray often about wanting so deeply to fullfill that male shaped hole in my life; it is truly a longing of my soul that I don't see going away anytime soon!~But I neglect all of the blessings that the Lord has given me access to on a daily basis with all of the incredible female characters in my story. Right now I couldnt think of anything better form me now in this season of my life.
This one's for the Girls!~Martina Mcbride
How do I deal
Start of day: Alarm clock goes off once 6:30am......reset for 7:15am.......Alarm clock never goes off again..Amanda rolls out of bed happily at 9:45 to realize that.....8am class has been missed and as quickly as possible she proceeds to get a shower and get ready in order to make her 11am class. While bus hopping in front of commons sees boy...boy sees Amanda.....bus comes between Amanda and boy....boy is in view again, phone in ear and proceeds to walk right past Amanda without a word even being spoken bewteen the two.....first interaction with Boy in a week.
The day started kinda weird, but finished off with a good ol fashion birthday party that ALL of crusade apparently got the memo for b/c let me tell you it was Hoppin! Nothing like all the sweetness of birthday cake combined with a lil dance party to let yourself just relax and let go of the week. Highlight of the day/Night: Explaining what the definition of "Drop it like it's Hot" Lowlight of the day/night: Having them want me to give a demonstration of this in the room where we hold CRU while everyone is still there! hahahahahaha
Surprising moment: being in a great mood all day, having lots of fun tonight at the party, someone who wasn't at Cru, and my convo with Corrie earlier this afternoon.
I need to be better about dealing with things as they come. Sometimes people stump me with their words or actions ..or lack there of either of those and get totally baffled on how to deal with the unexpected or the unwanted. If not for the grace of God I would probably need some serious counseling right now.......but lucky for me I know He loves me and is Faithful and is able to equip me to deal with all sorts of things by the power of His Spirit. The Deal was taken care of on the Cross, I am merely a servant walking through this life by the Spirit by grace and mercy and Faith. Never felt so blessed.
"It was an unfair deal on the part of Christ, He got my sin I got Eternal Life!"~
Breath of God by Shane and Shane
Worlds Collide: A Fairy Tale
"Finding faith and losing eyes when world's collide.....We're just not right and compromise is wrong, seems out of sight in this place we belong.....Giving everything for love and I'm finding out that it's not enough."
These are simple words to a
Plumb song that I am fond of. As I listened to it today I realized that it has spiritual application as well as perhaps a relational correlation. I found myself remenescing today about a life I used to lead. It was not so far off from the one I find myslef in these days; just some different characters and a different setting, but the plot lines tend to be the same many days. The funny thing is that although from an outsider it woudln't look like I have changed much through all of it...but the truth is, I dont think I even know that girl anymore. On one hand I am so thankful. I know that the new "characters" and new setting of my life now is Exactly where the Lord would have me, but now I have to figure out the ins and outs of the girl who is playing me in this story now, vs the old one who I almost feel as though died and came back as someone totally new.
I would say that this time around things would be easier, better, I would be more wise in certain situations and learn from past mistakes; but so far that has not been the case at all. If anything life has gotten harder and more complex and I just keep waiting for this amazing climax in this fairy-tale that will slowly resolve and lead to the Happily ever-after. But instead I find myself drifting in and out of conflicts over and over again, resolving them and then before a climax can even come, sliding right back into more conflict. Also I am unsure of the genre of this story, most often I feel as though I am somewhat like the Ben Stiller Character in Meet the Parents who just cant catch a break or get things the way he wants them to be. The rest of the time I think I am a combination between Bridget Jones and Josie Geller<>. But the great thing about Fairy-tales/Romantic Comedies is that you know they all end happy. Once you get past all of the drama and humiliation there is a light at the end. The girl gets the guy....She lands that Job....she redeems herself of previous mishaps......she sees that Her God, her Wonderful Maker looks into her eyes and says "Well done my good and Faithful servant!" and it makes it all worth it! ..And then they live Happily Ever After!
Blame it on the Rain
So I am convinced that the Lord uses the Rain for more that just keeping things on the earth healthy and green and keep the rivers and lakes full <>. To some the rain is dreary. It brings about much saddness and solomness for some that reminds them of all that is unsteady and not "right" in their lives. It is said to be great weather for sleeping, which people want to do in order to dream; to help them live out their fantasies and the deepest longings of their souls, all in their minds of course. Most people hate weather like we have been experiencing here; they feel that it makes everything thats bad in their lives worse, and seems to put everyone in a mood.
For myself I find the Rain Refreshing. It's a reminder to me that the Lord is near and very real in our everyday life. The fact that we would base our feelings on such wavering things as the weather, proves that feelings are not concrete and are inconsitent and always changing. Some people think that the rain has a conotation of tears or saddness from God; on the contrary, I think of a rain shower as God's way of "showering us with his Love" and "drenching us with His righteousness". Ok, maybe thats a little cheesy, but I really do feel close to God when I see the wonders of His creation, including a very cold and windy rainstorm. It reminds me that not everyday is birds chirpping and sunshining......clouds and rain will come.....many times they will stay for a few days.....but we know that the Sun will shine again very soon. The Rain should give us Hope and should strengthen our faith in the Lord that He will bring sunny skies to us again.
