Say won't you Say

Disappointment~Friend or Foe?

Why is it that the dark little head of disappointment always creeping up over my shoulder everytime I turn around? Is it that I have too high of expectations of people and how I think they should act and treat me or that I am completely oblivious to the reality of the situation at hand? I have a tendency to make a situation what I want it to be in my head. I play it out over and over again in my mind, the situation that would happen to show up out of coincidence and be completely unexpected and perfect......except for the fact that its not unexpected at all because I'm sitting around expecting it to happen, and then when it doesn't......I am again left in a state of disappointment.

I am taking complete responsibility for these feelings......esspecially since i'm pretty sure that the person causing the constant disappointment, doesnt even know that they are on a candidate for it to me. How is it possible to feel such strong feeling about something for so long and continue to ignore it....or try and shove it aside....talk myself out of it....And then inevitably an ounce of hope will come about very unexpectedly........ and then when I find that what was hope to me was merely a good conversation or unitentional actions or words to the other party. I'm not so sure that the heart strings can take much more of this. I know that when something is one-sided, there is obviously little or no hope for something to change, and all the disappointment is simply a result of over-analyzing and selfish girl ambition.

Luckily I do know that I have a Hope that is not false and that will never disappoint, in the Lord. This is such a small incignificant issue that i'm sure in 6 months will not be anything but a faint memory and regret. This morning as I was dwelling on this issue and trying to figure out how I let it get to the point of rattling my heart and emotions so much I listened to a Nicole Nordemon song, "Small Enough" ~ "Oh Great God be small enough to hear me now.......Just wanna know that everything will be alright......Tonight is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer...Are You there!? And I know you could leave writing on the wall that's just for me, or send wisdom while i'm sleeping like in Solomon's sweet dreams, but I don't need the strength of Sampson or a chariot in the end....just wanna know that you still know how many hairs are on my head......Oh Great God be small enough to hear me now."

While I am praying to our Great God who can indeed make himself small enough to help me with my petty problems.......I also pray to our great God who is large enough to part the Red Sea, Walk on Water, and Move Mountains......for my friend Kim who's dad is slowly but surely dying of Cancer. The doctors have given this sweet man 2-10 months to live and so Kim and her family are just praying for a miracle.....but knowing that the head of their household and the man they all love so dearly could be taken away from them at any moment. Kim's mountain sized faith and Huge Expectations of the Lord are SO encouraging and having the privelage to pray for her during this time has stretched my faith in so many ways. Praying for her has reminded me that we dont pray to change God...we are able to pray to change ourselves....stretch our faith and glorify God in the process. What a Wonderful Maker we Love and serve.

posted by Amanda Michelle Morrison @ 1:30 AM 0 comments

Beautiful

In every sense of the word this is what I long to be. There are two songs that are both entitled "beautiful" that I feel depict what this word should mean to us as women/daughters of the King. The first by Bethany Dillion says, " I want to be Beautiful, Make You stand in Awe......Look inside my heart and be amazed...I long to hear You say, who I am is quite enough.....Just want to be worthy of Love and Beautiful." I long for the Lord to look at my heart , and for someone else someday to see my heart far more impressive and beautiful than my outward appearance could ever even have potential to be, and in seeing an overflow of my beautiful heart and love for the lord that He would find me beautiful outwardly as well.

The other song that comes to mind is one by the great Ginny Owens entitled " You call me Beautiful" that says this: " And you call me Beautiful....say You've loved me all along and You've always held the keys to unlock my soul while you call me Beautiful" To call something Beautiful is the highest form of compliment I believe. Its more than just nice, or pretty........Its an overwhelming geunine fondness and gravitation towards something as a whole......You thoroughly enjoy the overall presence of this thing/person.....It is breathtaking and yet so full of grace and peace and has a weird way of drawing you into it. I like to refer to the Lord as much as possible and am hopeful that someday I mightbe privelaged to be seen as this.

posted by Amanda Michelle Morrison @ 2:35 PM 0 comments

The Making of an Artist

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this whole "blog" thing. But i've learned that the only way to really figure out how you feel about something is to just go for it, feel it out, and see where it takes you. With 5 semesters of college behind me the only thing that I have found to be consistent with each one is that none of them have been the same. I have found that there are pro's and con's the constant changing that occurs with each semester of college. I felt like each year before college wasn't filled with much change, although looking back I can see how the Lord was molding me and changing me, against my will I think. It is the constant change of mind, heart, environment, and friends that have led me to my second semester of my Junior year of college, where I almost feel as though I have started college all over again.

Before I came to college my daddy enouraged me to layout a "plan", whatever that means. And so I proceeded to write out what I wanted the next four years of my life to look like, scholastically anyways. I had a major picked out and found that there was a way to graduate in four years while taking lots of summer school and trying to work as much as possible to start to decrees the debt that I could already feel occuring with student loans. I love my daddy very much, but the whole having a plan thing, is pretty much a way of setting yourself up for the Lord to show you that His plan is the only one that Will prevail, and yours is crap.

Needless to say, plans change and we just have to say "ok" and go with it. So I started this semester with a brand new major. The Lord has always given me a Passion for Art. I'm not a natural at it, but its something that I have always been able to love and appreciate. So coming out of high school art classes I wanted to major in something with Art that would be glamorous and make me a as much money as possible(this is seriously how I thought then, sick I know). So I was enouraged to pursue Interior Design in hopes of being this big-time, trading spaces regular who got paid to show people how to make things beautiful in their homes while going broke in the process. Well I did that for 2 and a half years and found that I would be miserable leading a life that consisted of me being that for the rest of my life. The Lord has been impressing upon me leading a life that is not about me, doing things that matter, and hopefully loving it in the process. I wasnt sure, but I felt Him trying to show me that I had the ability to teach......mind you, that I have utter the words, "whatever I do, I will NEVER be a Teacher, I don't want to be poor!" many times in my life. So I think my flesh tried to fight this inevitability for so long, and when I earnestly, wholeheartedly prayed " Lord your Will, not mine, take my future and have your way with it"; This is what He showed me, that I could teach Art and combine something I never thought I could do, with something that I Loved doing! He's pretty amazing like that. I still have doubts all the time; "I will fail as a teach", "I'm not a good enough artist", "I will be broke!". But I have learned to simply replace those lies from Satan with truths that I know about my Great God and know that He has me right where He wants me and not amount of my worry and doubt can shake His faithfullness to his Children who love Him.

So, plans change and I have come to grips with that. And although the future is so up in the air, and I have no idea what I will be doing or where I will be in five years, I know that that is ultimately right where He wants me, b/c that is where I can be best used by Him and most seceptible to His callings on my heart. I have learned to take my life day by day, moment by moment and know that God is not even close to being done with me and will continue till the day of completetion.

posted by Amanda Michelle Morrison @ 1:02 PM 0 comments